I praise God that He showed me what was at stake if I kept "listening". Thank you for being my friend and sticking by me through my floundering season!
It is amazing how resilient our "squatters" are. For me the only answer to them is, "Get behind me Satan. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave me." Then, breath deeply as you let God drive their chants away and you instead listen to his gentle voice that is music in your ears and beautiful art to your eyes. I pray that you recover fully from your frightening scare, regardless of the cause.
You are so right about their resilience and their source. You are also right about what to do in cases like this. I was 1 step forward, 2 steps back with that part and "listening" to the wrong voice much of the time towards the end there.
The heart monitor will pick up anything structurally wrong with my heart but I know that it's tired and broken from the beatings it has taken. They're suspecting stress myocarditis which is aptly known as "broken heart syndrome". It's fixable, praise God but big changes need to be made.
Please take your doctor’s advice. Please seek out a faithful counselor. Please immerse yourself in love accepting prayer. My wife was a Juvenile Probation Officer for many years. One of the young ladies that we often cried over at dinner shared a life similar to what you describe. She and her sister lived through hell, not just on earth but in their own bodies. Then when she was in placement, under “Protective Services” the abuse continued at the hand of staff. She lashed out and struck her staff assailant and was brought up on charges as an example for others. My wife was assigned as an advocate for her. The plan was broken up by her testimony and the authorities involved complained to our country officials about her interference. The beautiful young lady was rescued from that state run facility and placed in a loving foster family home. The couple that were in charge of her, so loved her that they decided to adopt her and her sister. Years passed. The girls blossomed in a loving adoptive home. She was enrolled at college for the fall. Everything looked wonderful. Then one evening,her sister found her dead in her bed. She died while talking a nap. No drugs, no illness. Her heart just stopped.
I say this not to scare you, only to most sincerely admonish you to not give these demons of torture quarter in your life of recovery. Whenever one enters your mind or heart, bind them an order them out in the name of Jesus Christ. Then swoon into his gentle mercy, hidden from the tormentor.
Seek professional help. If the Councilor, Doctor or Minister are not listening, move on to another.
Find a good Church with a group that holds each other up. Go regularly. When the message is given you will experience the speaking in tongues miracles and the words of the sermon will be transformed into what your spirit and soul needs to hear.
You are LOVED BY GOD! Don’t let anyone separate you from His Love. There are numerous people who have overcome this torture. You can too.
Oh Gary, you hear my cries. May I take some time to take stock with you here, now, publicly?
#1 I appreciate you so much and feel like God placed you in my life. You're different from any Christian I have known. I don't doubt the source of your loving advice for me. Thank you for speaking truth to me.
#2 What you're saying, the story of the girl and her heart, it doesn't scare me. It's true. I feel it. I feel myself dying, falling apart. I'm going to write about this in the future but one of the ways it became so clear was when a man I know who is someone who wants to get bad guys caught told me to keep fighting, to keep going after them, to not stop. I stood in front of him and I told him, "I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted." and I said it multiple times and he kept pushing (not being rude, just being excited I suppose that I have the ability to take down bad guys with my stories). But the more he pushed, I died a little bit more inside. Before him it was someone else just pushing and pushing, "Go get 'em, Elizabeth!" and to that person I said no as well. But the push continued until I pushed back. Then I met with attacks for pushing back when I was simply trying to survive.
#3 I am trying to find a trusted counselor, professional. My town doesn't have any available for 6 months to a year. We're suffering here. I can't go back to my old counselor because (please take my word about this) he turned into a bad guy with our last session being me coming to him after my niece's suicide and I asked for a session (that I was paying cash for) to just be a safe place for me where we could just talk about silly things. I had just returned from her funeral and had had to room with my abusive mother among other horrific things and I was bone, dead tired and needed a moment of peace and safety. That lasted about 10 minutes and out of nowhere he flipped and got angry and told me my entire issue at that point was because I wasn't talking about a highly sexually abusive ex. How he arrived at the conclusion that I needed to talk about this man instead of just taking 1 hour to REST is beyond me but I walked out of there and never went back. I can't trust him anymore.
#4 I fought my way through my healing process to find my way to Jesus and I asked my husband's boss who I felt was a decent and safe Christian who I thought I could trust to baptize me. I asked for a private baptism because of rituals I had endured as a child I wanted this between me, my husband, my son, him and Jesus and he showed up with people. That should have been the first indication that I couldn't trust him but I let it go. Then I joined his church. Long story short, the pastor in that church was truly evil and I had multiple dreams about him and tried to warn my husband's boss but no one listened (and they cruelly shunned me out of the church) until the evil pastor revealed himself. Interestingly, I was told by the Holy Spirit, "By his words, he will be condemned." and it was literally by this guy running his mouth too much about his VERY misguided beliefs that they discovered and finally believed my warnings. In the end though no one welcomed me back into the church and apologized for what I endured. I was essentially a "new Christian" and even though I could, today, set foot in the church, there is a continued spiritual shunning going on. There is zero indication I am welcome there. This after so much spiritual abuse throughout my life. I tell you this because I don't have the strength to walk into another church and be abused. I'm exhausted. And scared. And I feel alone.
#5 I look over my history just in the last few years and I can clearly see a concerted effort to heavily isolate me. From church, from counseling, from speaking my truth, from having friends, from having a life outside of the 4 walls I live behind. Every effort to seek freedom is met with some form of opposition and I'm frozen at this point. I was even attacked by my neighbor that lives directly across the street from me so even opening my front door causes anxiety. I can't go out front when he's home.
And please don't think that I don't TRY to seek freedom. Yes, my efforts are waning, especially lately, but I am still trying.
Gary I appreciate you so much and the "prescription" you gave me in your last comment is spot on and I acknowledge it as 100% truth but I don't know how to move anymore. I do truly fear I won't make it much longer, not by my choice (my choice is to keep fighting) but just from sheer exhaustion and a broken heart. Thank you, Gary. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHOWING UP FOR ME LIKE YOU DO.
I so love to know that you are writing this piece , very good description of the squatters. I agree with Gary , and you have this I just know 🪷
I praise God that He showed me what was at stake if I kept "listening". Thank you for being my friend and sticking by me through my floundering season!
I'm just thankful you are ok Lizzie ❤️
Me too, Pluglet. That was scary but it sure was a wakeup call! Squatters be gone!
It is amazing how resilient our "squatters" are. For me the only answer to them is, "Get behind me Satan. In the name of Jesus Christ, I command you to leave me." Then, breath deeply as you let God drive their chants away and you instead listen to his gentle voice that is music in your ears and beautiful art to your eyes. I pray that you recover fully from your frightening scare, regardless of the cause.
You are so right about their resilience and their source. You are also right about what to do in cases like this. I was 1 step forward, 2 steps back with that part and "listening" to the wrong voice much of the time towards the end there.
The heart monitor will pick up anything structurally wrong with my heart but I know that it's tired and broken from the beatings it has taken. They're suspecting stress myocarditis which is aptly known as "broken heart syndrome". It's fixable, praise God but big changes need to be made.
Thank you for being here, Gary. 💛
Please take your doctor’s advice. Please seek out a faithful counselor. Please immerse yourself in love accepting prayer. My wife was a Juvenile Probation Officer for many years. One of the young ladies that we often cried over at dinner shared a life similar to what you describe. She and her sister lived through hell, not just on earth but in their own bodies. Then when she was in placement, under “Protective Services” the abuse continued at the hand of staff. She lashed out and struck her staff assailant and was brought up on charges as an example for others. My wife was assigned as an advocate for her. The plan was broken up by her testimony and the authorities involved complained to our country officials about her interference. The beautiful young lady was rescued from that state run facility and placed in a loving foster family home. The couple that were in charge of her, so loved her that they decided to adopt her and her sister. Years passed. The girls blossomed in a loving adoptive home. She was enrolled at college for the fall. Everything looked wonderful. Then one evening,her sister found her dead in her bed. She died while talking a nap. No drugs, no illness. Her heart just stopped.
I say this not to scare you, only to most sincerely admonish you to not give these demons of torture quarter in your life of recovery. Whenever one enters your mind or heart, bind them an order them out in the name of Jesus Christ. Then swoon into his gentle mercy, hidden from the tormentor.
Seek professional help. If the Councilor, Doctor or Minister are not listening, move on to another.
Find a good Church with a group that holds each other up. Go regularly. When the message is given you will experience the speaking in tongues miracles and the words of the sermon will be transformed into what your spirit and soul needs to hear.
You are LOVED BY GOD! Don’t let anyone separate you from His Love. There are numerous people who have overcome this torture. You can too.
Oh Gary, you hear my cries. May I take some time to take stock with you here, now, publicly?
#1 I appreciate you so much and feel like God placed you in my life. You're different from any Christian I have known. I don't doubt the source of your loving advice for me. Thank you for speaking truth to me.
#2 What you're saying, the story of the girl and her heart, it doesn't scare me. It's true. I feel it. I feel myself dying, falling apart. I'm going to write about this in the future but one of the ways it became so clear was when a man I know who is someone who wants to get bad guys caught told me to keep fighting, to keep going after them, to not stop. I stood in front of him and I told him, "I can't do this anymore. I'm exhausted." and I said it multiple times and he kept pushing (not being rude, just being excited I suppose that I have the ability to take down bad guys with my stories). But the more he pushed, I died a little bit more inside. Before him it was someone else just pushing and pushing, "Go get 'em, Elizabeth!" and to that person I said no as well. But the push continued until I pushed back. Then I met with attacks for pushing back when I was simply trying to survive.
#3 I am trying to find a trusted counselor, professional. My town doesn't have any available for 6 months to a year. We're suffering here. I can't go back to my old counselor because (please take my word about this) he turned into a bad guy with our last session being me coming to him after my niece's suicide and I asked for a session (that I was paying cash for) to just be a safe place for me where we could just talk about silly things. I had just returned from her funeral and had had to room with my abusive mother among other horrific things and I was bone, dead tired and needed a moment of peace and safety. That lasted about 10 minutes and out of nowhere he flipped and got angry and told me my entire issue at that point was because I wasn't talking about a highly sexually abusive ex. How he arrived at the conclusion that I needed to talk about this man instead of just taking 1 hour to REST is beyond me but I walked out of there and never went back. I can't trust him anymore.
#4 I fought my way through my healing process to find my way to Jesus and I asked my husband's boss who I felt was a decent and safe Christian who I thought I could trust to baptize me. I asked for a private baptism because of rituals I had endured as a child I wanted this between me, my husband, my son, him and Jesus and he showed up with people. That should have been the first indication that I couldn't trust him but I let it go. Then I joined his church. Long story short, the pastor in that church was truly evil and I had multiple dreams about him and tried to warn my husband's boss but no one listened (and they cruelly shunned me out of the church) until the evil pastor revealed himself. Interestingly, I was told by the Holy Spirit, "By his words, he will be condemned." and it was literally by this guy running his mouth too much about his VERY misguided beliefs that they discovered and finally believed my warnings. In the end though no one welcomed me back into the church and apologized for what I endured. I was essentially a "new Christian" and even though I could, today, set foot in the church, there is a continued spiritual shunning going on. There is zero indication I am welcome there. This after so much spiritual abuse throughout my life. I tell you this because I don't have the strength to walk into another church and be abused. I'm exhausted. And scared. And I feel alone.
#5 I look over my history just in the last few years and I can clearly see a concerted effort to heavily isolate me. From church, from counseling, from speaking my truth, from having friends, from having a life outside of the 4 walls I live behind. Every effort to seek freedom is met with some form of opposition and I'm frozen at this point. I was even attacked by my neighbor that lives directly across the street from me so even opening my front door causes anxiety. I can't go out front when he's home.
And please don't think that I don't TRY to seek freedom. Yes, my efforts are waning, especially lately, but I am still trying.
Gary I appreciate you so much and the "prescription" you gave me in your last comment is spot on and I acknowledge it as 100% truth but I don't know how to move anymore. I do truly fear I won't make it much longer, not by my choice (my choice is to keep fighting) but just from sheer exhaustion and a broken heart. Thank you, Gary. THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHOWING UP FOR ME LIKE YOU DO.